Happy Mothers Day — Squared From The DadPad

by Jeff Abramovitz on May 13, 2012

It’s Mums day. No, not a day for plants but how I imagine people all over Great Britain are greeting their Mothers this morning in that regal brogue of theirs. Actually, I don’t even know if they celebrate Mother’s day in Great Britain. For us it’s Mother’s Day. Officially. Much more formal sounding. Well, wherever your from today is the day we set aside for celebrating the life of our mothers and how they have sacrificed so much of themselves for their families I honestly don’t believe that I truly began to appreciate my mother until years after I left my home and was watching my wife be the kind of mother that truly has given of herself for our family. And as I have watched the hard working, nose-cleaning, diaper changing, self sacrificing, instruction-giving, food-making, task-reminding, car-pooling, snuggling, loving, praying, always caring life of my wife, our families’ mother, I have become much more aware of all my mom really did sacrifice for us growing up. And, I think that’s how it is with everyone. Until you walk in their shoes…

So, Mom, today I acknowledge that for so many years my Happy Mother’s Day wishes, though genuinely conveyed, were woefully inadequate for the role you played in my life and helping to shape me. Thank you, Mom, for the car rides to the golf course at 6am on a summer’s vacation morning. Thank you for letting me stay up till odd hours of the night with my friend on a weekend as we played games and ate candy. Thank you for all the meals you prepared. Thank you for the clothes you bought me. Thanks for coming to my sporting events and watching me play, even when I wasn’t very good some years. Thank you for allowing me the time to see my dad on weekends and even though you were divorced and remarried he came over and you honored and respected him and created a cordial environment for him to stop by on Sunday’s to pick me up for the day. Thank you for hanging out with me and my high school friends who always thought you were a cool mom and still ask about you when I talk to them. Thank you for your laughter even though I realized things weren’t always easy for you and you hit some rough spots in your marriage and life. Thank you for your unconditional love and support. Thank you for encouraging me to do what I wanted to do even when it may have gone against your ideas. Thank you for your words of encouragement. And, mom, thank you for just being there. In a world where so many kids are growing up in homes where moms or dads are gone, you were a rock for me and gave me a place to call home. And, mom, I know that you are grieving the loss of your husband on this first Mother’s Day without Marc. You two were very good for each other and I’m so happy that you finally found someone who would love you as you needed to be loved. So, I know it’s a bittersweet day for you. But I want you to know that you are loved by many. And, today and everyday I say, Happy Mother’s Day, Mum. I love you.

Now for the “squared” aspect of today. I want to honor the mother of our children. To my wife of 27+ years and the mother of our children for 24+ years…Happy Mother’s Day. You are an amazing woman. You willfully gave up a good job and career at a young age so that you could be the anchor of our home for our children. You have prayed for them thousands of prayers. You have given them great wisdom about life and how to walk this journey of being a follower of Christ. You home-schooled them to give them a solid foundation even when you didn’t feel qualified to do so and based on how they are excelling college and excelled in high school, I think you did “OK” :) . You have been a great example of what it means to walk with integrity. You have shown our family how to sacrifice and to serve others and God. You are always there for an encouraging word when they (and I) need it. Your texts and notes including Biblical verses and truths to help them in their current situation in school or life have helped shape them and given them an example of where to turn for themselves. Though sometimes they treat you with less than the respect you deserve, you stand-fast to the truth that you know they love you. And, you knowthey do love you very much. You have earned their respect and love. I know that this day weighs heavy for you as you think about the recent loss of your mother and that there’s a little heaviness leading up to and on Mother’s Day, and you think about her. But, I pray that it also brings you a little snippet of the love that you so wonderfully deserve from your family for being all of the things I mentioned and more. You are a beautiful woman, my life love and an incredible mother to our kids. It’s because of you that I now appreciate my mom even more than I did growing up. Thank you for being a great example for our children. Happy Mother’s Day, Susie. I love you.

To all moms out there who have sacrificed so much to be the support, encouragement and bedrock for their families, HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY from the DadPad (Jeff Abramovitz). Sit back, relax and take it easy today, if you can because I know you have a lot to do. Today is your day…whatever it is you think you need to do…it can wait. Enjoy.

 

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5 Girls…4 years…1 Time opportunity

by Jeff Abramovitz on May 8, 2012

This past weekend my wife and I had the privilege of watching our oldest daughter (middle child) graduate from college. She graduated with a great group of young women from our hometown who went up to the same school about 4 1/2 years ago. These young women were all from families that had moved to Little Rock to serve with a marriage ministry (not many other reasons to move to Little Rock—this isn’t a slam against Little Rock, but it’s too small to attract a lot of people for business and it’s a throughway between Dallas and Memphis and nearly inaccessible from anyplace north or south — we’re from Minnesota and didn’t even know where Little Rock was 10 years ago before we began the journey). 5 young women from Little Rock spending 4 years at a small Christian university in Siloam Springs, AR graduating with a lot of accolades, awards and, mostly, advanced maturity for most young women their age. This is indeed a very unique situation.

I put together this video of all the girls for our dinner celebration.  If you are interested in having a video put together for a celebration you’re involved with, check out MemorMedia on Facebook.

I wanted to capture this because I think we often take for granted the accomplishments of our children. Sometimes we don’t want to overplay those so they don’t place too much trust in themselves (this obviously is an issue with Christian parents raising their children…not sure there is any alternative if you don’t come from that perspective). And, yet, we desire to tell our children how proud we are of them and to encourage them in those kinds of efforts. And, this group of 5 young women accomplished a lot between them. 2 of the 5 graduated Summa Cum Laude (grade point average > 3.9). 2 others graduated Cum Laude (grade point betwee 3.6-3.79). One of them was on a SIFE (Students in Free Enterprise) team that won a Regional competition and is competing at the National competition. Each of them graduated with leadership acknowledgement in their field of study, among their peers and the academic community. I had no idea of all the things these young women accomplished. Then, my daughter said something at a graduation celebration dinner that the five dads wanted to put together to honor our daughters that struck her and me…”I was just thinking how hanging out with these girls who are so competent raised all of our competence and we just all have high expectations” (or something like that). The corollary to that is a verse often quoted from the scriptures when parents want to teach their kids about the impact of hanging around a bad group…”bad company corrupts good morals” (I Cor 15:33, NIV)

 

As I thought about what she said, I was struck by it’s simplicity but power. Truly, the power of friends is so influential for good or for bad for our kids. These girls weren’t all great friends. Our families were all connected through the common cause of leaving our homes to serve a ministry in Little Rock, AR. They shared some common adversities in that transition (most of our families were mid-career at the time of our moving which meant our girls were in their teens which is a rough time to uproot them). But, they were well grounded with solid families who were intact, dads who spent time with their children developing them spiritually, physically, emotionally and intellectually, mothers who were available to nurture and build into them and siblings who supported each other. Please do not hear me that this is a 100% money-back gurantee prescriptive formula for family success. I know of other families who were just as committed to their children as the families at this event but whose kids got involved in various defeating activities and some who walked away from the faith they grew up acknowledging. But I will say that you have a much better chance at experiencing this in your family than without it. No, this isn’t a “pat ourselves on the back” piece. This is an encouragement that when you spend the time building your family on the rock of God’s plan, you have a chance to experience this kind of joy and maturity in your children. And, as far as this post goes, it reveals the power of friends and the influence they can have for good or for bad.

This power of who we “hang with” is also pretty influential in our lives too, dad. Take a moment to think about who you are spending time with on a regular basis. Do they call you up to be better than you are spiritually, physically, emotionally and/or intellectually? They may play a mean game of golf or drink beer with the best of them but do you truly sharpen each other? This correlates to one of the 4 key relationships that I recently wrote about…the need for men to connect to a like minded group of men to share life with.

I’ll have some more to say about our celebration with our daughters over the next few posts because I want to encourage you, dad, to think of ways to celebrate your kids and their successes, wherever they are coming from.

 

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Did you really let her go out dressed like that? To Church?

by Jeff Abramovitz on April 29, 2012

We are very visual creatures. Not just us as men/dads but as human beings. The issue is that men and women don’t see the same thing the same way. A majority of men are easily influenced or create images in their minds that immediately stimulate an internal reaction. Women usually need more than image. They will use image to create relationship. Men are fine leaving image as image, for the most part. These differences between us create a real tension between us when it comes to the issue of modesty. As more and more young women dress more and more provocatively and less modestly this inherent difference in how we visualize images and react to them escalates. And, I find it the immodest dressing of young (and older) women as appalling in the church as what I see in the mall or going to a movie theater, not to mention the traps for us men online.

I’ve written about this before and have been thinking about this for a few weeks, mainly due to the season we are in. As weather warms, clothing becomes a little more scarce and revealing. And, have you seen the Prom dresses that many young women are wearing? Couple this with the increasing aggressiveness being shown by teen girls in their pursuit of young men, our jobs as dads as the “fashion police” in our homes becomes so much more critical. (see a recent Article by Dennis Rainey, Protecting Your Son From Agressive Girls) You may say, “THE FASHION POLICE? Pleeeeasssse. That’s my wife’s job.” Wrong. Dad, it’s our job. If you’ve read anything I’ve written you know me for being pretty blunt and to the point (though I use a lot of words to get to the point ;) . And, on this issue, I will hammer home what I believe to be the single leading factor to the promiscuous dress of our young girls…the lack of fathers involvement in their children’s lives. And, unfortunately, this issue is as big an issue in the Church as it is outside the church. Dads, this should not be.

A few weeks ago I was sitting in our church waiting for it to begin. We go to a large, mulit-venued church. Our venue is a little darker upon entering as it’s a little more contemporary. Therefore, it typically attracts more young women (though, I do want to add that this issue is more than just a young women’s issue at large…it’s a current women’s issue all around). As I sat there watching people go by I found myself absolutely embarrassed by the number of bra straps, low hanging blouses and revealing clothes our church women were wearing. Before I raise the ire of women all across the country (all 3 or 4 that read my blog), let me state that I firmly believe that men are very responsible for what they look at and that, at some level, if men didn’t respond like neanderthals when women dressed scantily maybe they wouldn’t. However, let me point you to the first paragraph of my blog again. We are wired differently. Whereas that doesn’t excuse immoral behavior or even temptatious actions, it does explain the scenario a bit more clearly. Women want to be seen, not just physically but emotionally and relationally. Men love to look. I don’t know all the science behind it and don’t want this to be a research paper but I feel very confident after years of hearing data and support for these differences that they exist and are strong motivators for our behaviors when it comes to image reaction. So, women dress provocatively to draw attention to themselves for something more than just being sexy but men mainly just see the sex. As a man who’s struggled with pornography in my past and having discussed this through conference speaking and one on one talks with hundreds, even thousands of men personally, I feel very sure of this point…men’s lusts begin with the eyes. It’s why men buy most of the large screen TV’s and why most movie directors are men and why pornographic websites are at or near the top of most viewed websites. It’s not that women don’t have talent visually or aren’t “turned on” by what they see but how they process what they see is so different than what men see. Back to the church images…

“And I want women to be modest in their appearance. They should wear decent and appropriate clothing and not draw attention to themselves by the way they fix their hair or by wearing gold or pearls or expensive clothes.” I Tim 2:9

I am strongly convicted that if a dad was truly in the house paying attention, he would not let his daughter leave the house dressed like she does. Dads, it is really up to us to start seeing our daughters as other young men see them…as YOU would see them if you weren’t their fathers. It’s one thing to look at this growing young woman and recall her in the crib with her teddy bear and cute as a button every time you see her, even today. But, she is growing and changing in ways that will turn young boys heads, just like yours were and are turned. I’m not talking about turtleneck tops in July. I’m talking about engagement, involvement, and caring enough to tell her she will not wear those shorts that look like bikini bottoms or that top that flys open if she bends down just a little. I don’t care if it’s the fad and if she’ll “hate you the rest of her life” as she’ll likely tell you. It’s part of your job as a father. Listen, I’m also not advocating for making her stand out so as to be ridiculed and made fun of. This is a very tough call for dads. I know it’s not easy. And, the culture today presents so many more problems than it did even a few short years ago (about 4-5) when my kids were mid teens.

I am not a perfect dad and have never claimed to be. But, one thing I did along with my wife was to set early boundaries that were rigid with understanding. That means, our kids knew the rules and, for the most part, we stuck to them. Sometimes, I was the softy who gave in as my wife has often reminded me. There were times I probably shouldn’t have relented. But, if you were to ask our children they would probably tell you they felt like they were in prison. When it came to clothing we were pretty staunch. At early ages it was no bikini’s (which was very hard because there aren’t many fashionable one piece suits for women of nearly any age), shorts had to be down to the end of their fingers as their arms hung to their side and any revealing shirt had to have a tank top or some other article of clothing underneath. Did they balk? YES! Did we relent? Sometimes we compromised a BIT when they got older. But we (mostly) stood our ground and believe that today, our girls always have a little voice in the back of their minds as they are getting dressed (and might be tempted to wear something that will draw just a few more eyeballs from the boys) that says, “remember, you are who you are on the inside! That’s what the boys need to see. The rest will come after the “I Do’s.”

Dad’s, I realize that this is tough. Just look at the landscape of the culture we live in. We pass out condoms to kindergarten age children because the government has determined that “safe sex” begins in the classroom. Of course we have those who claim that “saying no” is burying our heads in the sands and doesn’t work. “Let’s not raise the standard if they can’t stand up to it and will have sex anyway”, they say. Victoria Secret specials at Christmas. Fashion shows all over the place. WE ARE IN A BATTLE. Therefore, we can’t give up. I love this verse from Hebrews and this is what I’ll leave you with as you consider how to attack this issue IN YOUR HOME:

And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, 25 not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another —and all the more as you see the Day approaching. (Heb 10:24-25)

One last thing…sit down and discuss this with your daughters. Don’t just impose rules. Share with them how men see them. What men want. You know if you’re a man. Help them to understand that they are too precious to flaunt themselves in front of men they don’t know or might need to be afraid of. Don’t riddle them with fear but educate them. Train them up, dad, to understand the priceless treasure they are in your sight and in the sight of the One who created them. Then, lay down the law :) .

Here are just a few good resources to help you in YOUR battle to help your women see it from a woman’s perspective:

Power to Change has some great resources.

Google “women being modest” or “Modest young women” to find even more.

What resources have you seen? What are the counter arguments? What role do men have in this issue? Does Modesty really work? Talk amongst yourselves…

 

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4 Key Links (Relationships) Every Man Needs – Link 4 of 4

April 15, 2012

If you’ve been following DadPad at all you have noticed that I have been writing a series of these blog posts–4 key relationships every man needs for success in his life. I had a couple of posts that came up, one for Easter weekend and the other related to the firing of Bobby Petrino as [...]

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An Open Letter to Bobby Petrino–Dad to Dad, Man to Man

April 11, 2012

Dear Bobby, I doubt you’ll ever see this letter but as I watched the events unfold last night and thought about the situation more and more I needed to write this, maybe more than you needed to read it. I kept asking myself “why”. Why would a man that had a whole STATE wrapped around [...]

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Good Friday From a Father’s Perspective

April 6, 2012

I’ve got the 4th of a 4 part series to complete (next Monday you’ll be able to read it), but given the day and the significance of it in the annals of history, I wanted to take a few minutes to share a Good Friday thought with you. I don’t know where you are at [...]

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4 Key Links (Relationships) Every Man Needs – Link 3

March 16, 2012

Jesus had the disciples (and God and the Holy Spirit). Paul had John, Ringo and George. Moe had Larry and Curly. Gladys had the Pips. There’s an adage that goes something like, “behind every successful man is a woman” or vice versa. What’s the point? We all need other’s in our lives. With the exception [...]

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4 Links (Relationships) Every Man Needs – Link 2

March 13, 2012

“Every Timothy needs a Paul; Every Ruth needs a Naomi.”- Pastor Aaron Williams (Mt. Zion Baptist Church, Seattle WA) Last post I discussed the need for every man to have a link with God as the foundation for all of his other relationships. Since we live in the world and are expected to live out [...]

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4 Links (Relationships) Every Man Needs – Link 1

March 6, 2012

When you’re a kid, all you know is what you know. You don’t know that the situation you’re in is any worse or better than someone else. You simply accept what you have and don’t ask a lot of questions. At least most of us grow up that way. Some of you may have grown [...]

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26.2 Miles PLUS 1 Million BIllion more

March 3, 2012

You’ve heard the adage, “It’s not a sprint, it’s a marathon”. It’s applied to everything from marriage and relationships to business operations or just about anything else that takes persistence and perseverance. It’s pithy and conveys the point. I was originally going to use it to compare to being a dad. But, the more I [...]

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